Dirty Little Secret Challenge
by Julie Ann Pope
Summary: In response to Yahoo Group! CatherineandSara Challenge


Dirty Little Secret Challenge

by Julie Ann Pope

Sunday 08th January 2006

When the hell did it change? Us, fighting. It was something I could rely on, a fact of life that never changed. Like that sky was blue, I worked lousy hours and that Lyndsey was my daughter. I'm having trouble trying to pinpoint the exact moment that it happened, maybe it didn't, maybe it was something that just happened over time. The more we worked together, the more I wanted to be around you. I always knew we could work well together, and for those few hours we'd banter and work with respect and with what seemed like a tentative comradarie. It was just in those private moments, the ones where we all tended to be exhausted and bone weary from the shift that we couldn't say a civil word to each other, in fact most days we couldn't even say anything to each other. It was hurtful and confusing, but at least after a few weeks of your arrival I was no longer surprised and took it as a given.

Most of the time my life revolved around work and Lyndsey, practically 24/7 I lived for other people, dead or alive. Occasionally it would all get too much and I needed to find solace in another human being. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a sexual being, I need sex, whatever way it comes and I'm not ashamed to say that I can walk into a bar and walk out with someone on my arm ready for a roll in the hay. In those few hours (and they are few) I let myself go, sometimes i'm in control, sometimes I'm not. It doesn't matter what happens as long as I get my satisfaction and let off a bit of steam. Jack was just the one that wouldn't let go. He couldn't leave it at one night and persued me at any given opportunity. I was grateful for a bit if attention, so I let him continue, but he knew the score. He was never allowed to come to the house or speak with Lyndsey. We carried on for months, the sex was great, hot and frantic, if a little hollow. I managed to keep Jack out of my family life, but it wasn't long before the lab realised he was always picking me up and hanging around.

But all the while and more frequently I kept noticing you. We were paired up together more and more, and you hadn't got fed up with me yet. We even sat down to breakfast or dinner together occasionally. You didn't seem as defensive as you used to and I even managed to slip in some personal questions and you answered. Something was changing between us and I know you realised it too. It was so wrong to start something with a work colleague, there were far too many complications that could arise. And with you of all people, I'm sure my friendship with Gil would be over if he ever found out. You weren't exactly dating, and you'd told him you wouldn't wait forever. But anyone could see that it was only a matter of time.

The sexual tension between us grew over a few weeks. I'd been seeing Jack less and less, but kept him around enough to kept up somekind of pretense. I knew we'd get together soon enough and I needed a scapegoat for my good humour. You came to me after a tough case, tears in your eyes and you walked with a defeated stance. You only asked me to hold you, but we both knew you meant more than that. After your sobs had subsided I kissed you, gently but with feeling. Seconds passed and we were a mass of limbs and flesh, seeking, meeting, and feeling. We fucked on the floor of my office, the danger of being caught only fuelling the fire in our loins.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret (Dirty little secret)  
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

I'd never felt so satisfied, for the first time since Eddie, and probably sometime during my marriage, I felt full and satisfied. We couldn't tell anyone, not another living soul. One of us would surely have to leave, and I assumed it would be me, knowing that I had what Gil could have no longer. Of course I was also scared, scared that it would only feel like this while it was a secret, and scared that I could really feel something for someone. I wasn't sure that I was ready for a long term thing after the crap that Eddie put me through.

Who has to know The way she feels inside (inside)  
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)  
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)  
And now I try to lie It's eating me apart Trace this life out

We couldn't get enough of each other. Every waking thought seemed to be of her, of how her hands felt on my skin, of how her long fingers felt inside of me, working me up into that heated frenzy. I tried to go a week without being with her, and I just couldn't do it. She touched my shoulder, whispered in my ear and I just melted. There was not a single room or surface in her apartment that we hadn't fucked, no correct that, made love. This was getting way bigger than I had ever imagined it would be. I'd fallen head over heels and was more than scared. Gil had turned to me as his confidant and asked me as subtley as he could about giving some kind of relationship a go with Sara. It was killing me inside. I had no real claim over Sara, and at the beginning I knew that if ever Gil were to get his head out of the sand, she would drop me and go after him. We'd barely spoken about it since, merely content to accept things as they were.

I had to tell her that he'd spoken to me, that he wanted a chance at finding some happiness with her. She said that we had to define what we were before she made any descisions. She no longer wanted to be my dirty little secret, she was scared shitless about a full on relationship, but was prepared to give it a go if it was with me. I was stunned, but told her how I felt anyway, that I was scared of getting into a long term relationship, and scared that what we had was only fun if it was a secret. We agreed to see how things went and that she would go to Gil and tell him the truth. I prepared myself to explain things to Lyndsey. Who found out after that it didn't matter. But there are some things about our relationship that would always remain a dirty little secret, like that time we did it in the break room, or the shower room or in the back of her denali.

End Story


End file.
